Yield and be Conquered

Yielding is the first waver in which doubt persists. By yielding you allow evil an opportunity to fasten its talons deep in your past, present, and future. Do not yield. Do not fall. This was the mentality that secured my faith. When I yielded, I fell. When I wavered once, I yielded twice, and fell down a stairway of curbs.

A Felon, An Accountant, and A Priest, all commit the same crime. Who is the most to blame?

I once believed that all would be treated equally. I was wrong. Only in the ideals of God can such impartial judgments be decided. I once reasoned that fairness would be taken into weighing punishment and dispensing mercy where it was deserved. I was also wrong.

Who is the most to blame? the Priest.

Those who try to walk a righteous path must never stray or stumble. When a shepherd lapses, the flock will scatter, the sheep will be torn to bits, the blame alone rest with the shepherd, who took no delight from that day forth. Contrition is the curse of good men, we learn, we suffer, and we pray for mercy that never comes.  Know that all life is sacred, and that once taken can never be restored. The Priest is a hypocrite, a wretch, a blaspheme, and a canard. The accountant can recover from his failure. The felon was expected to fail. But, the Priest’s life is irrecoverable. NEVER walk a righteous path unless you are ready to bring ruin to your life. Good men do not triumph, good men do not win, good men do not enjoy the pleasures of life, and because of all this good men are hard to find. Look for the man with a wet face, he washes it regularly to hide the fatigue of his aches and sorrows. He is the righteous man, the one who helps and expects nothing in return. For this he is poor in friends, food, and fun. His is the toil of man, to work the earth till his brow has has grown heavy in years. When tested, the right thing is easy. When no test is given, the right choice offers no reward, and often consequences to suffer.

Thus, be evil. Be evil and deserve the consequences. Enjoy what little pleasures life has to offer, relish in the delights of the flesh, eat that extra slice of cake,  finish off that last bottle, steal that new television, and take joy in the few fleeting moments of happiness available. Otherwise, you will whipped the same, scars to bear, with nothing to show, except anguish and bitterness.

Welcome to the righteous path, any takers?

a posse ad esse

I was beginning to understand how to communicate with people again, but I now realize studying how people communicate makes people less prone to communicate with you. To reinstate my previous position, I will no longer be writing in this blog. I am currently unable to convey any message, much less a meaning I intend. So I will be taking a break, a long and in-depth break from people I know in order to flounder. There are no longer subjects whom I can research, I’m learning to deal with it. Until I understand how to make friends or I am capable of making friends, I will be myself, for better or worse.

Incomplete Nard Trireme Jerkwater

Ignore the title which randomly sprung from the dictionary in the form of 18-2, 2-29, 49-35, and 10-61.
There’s a little brain teaser for the clever folks.

I took a test at this link (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp). I’ve taken many personality tests, but I was surprised how eerily accurate this particular one was. I’ve checked the other profile types, of which I can say I am not even close to the others. It is based of the research of Carl Jung, a diversified scholar. I recommend everyone give it a shot. Be sure to leave a comment with your type, I’m eager to see other people’s results. So basically this is a layout of my personality type or INTJ. This and other summaries can be found at http://typelogic.com/

I would also like to add a warning before and after the summary.

WARNING!: This personality type does not define a person.  Every person is subject to their own ability to change. My own answers at age 22 are not the same as when I was 13, 17, or 19. I would have been a different type in the past, BUT was able to change, for whatever the reason. Do not see this as a mold to conform your personality into, but an objective look at your personality. If you happen to see things in your summary that you do not find complementing, then seek to fix that aspect of life that you’re unsettled with. This personality type does not define a person.

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of “definiteness”, of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise — and INTJs can have several — they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don’t know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion “Does it work?” to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the “Systems Builders” of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be “slacking,” including superiors, will lose their respect — and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs “do” tends to be what they “know”. Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ’s Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete’, paralleling that of many Fs — only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to “work at” a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

Introverted iNtuition

INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say “Why not?!” Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors’ amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.

Extraverted Thinking

Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition’s offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.

Introverted Feeling

Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn’t get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ’s soul.

Extraverted Sensing

Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. “I’ve made up my mind, don’t confuse me with the facts” could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing’s extraverted attitude is evident in this type’s bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.

Famous INTJs:

Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)
Susan B. Anthony
Arthur Ashe, tennis champion
Augustus Caesar (Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus)
Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)
William J. Bennett, “drug czar”
William F. Buckley, Jr.
Raymond Burr (Perry Mason, Ironsides)
Chevy Chase (Cornelius Crane) (Fletch)
Phil Donahue
Michael Dukakis, governor of Mass., 1988 U.S. Dem. pres. candidate
Greg Gumbel, television sportscaster
Hannibal, Carthaginian military leader
Veronica Hamel (Hill Street Blues)
Angela Lansbury (Murder, She Wrote)
Orel Leonard Hershiser, IV
Peter Jennings
Charles Everett Koop
Ivan Lendl
C. S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)
Joan Lunden
Edwin Moses, U.S. olympian (hurdles)
Martina Navratilova
Charles Rangel, U. S. Representative, D-N.Y.
Pernell Roberts (Bonanza)
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California
Josephine Tey (Elizabeth Mackintosh), mystery writer (Brat Farrar)
Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor
Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of Defense
General Colin Powell, US Secretary of State
Lance Armstrong
Richard Gere (Pretty Woman)
Katie Couric

U.S. Presidents:

Chester A. Arthur

Calvin Coolidge

Thomas Jefferson

John F. Kennedy

James K. Polk

Woodrow Wilson

Fictional:

Cassius (Julius Caesar)
Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)
Gandalf the Grey (J. R. R. Tolkein’s Middle Earth books)
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes’ nemesis
Ensign Ro (Star Trek–the Next Generation)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (Hamlet)
George Smiley, John le Carre’s master spy
Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs)

WARNING!: This personality type does not define a person.  Every person is subject to their own ability to change. My own answers at age 22 are not the same as when I was 13, 17, or 19. I would have been a different type in the past, BUT was able to change, for whatever the reason. Do not see this as a mold to conform your personality into, but an objective look at your personality. If you happen to see things in your summary that you do not find complementing, then seek to fix that aspect of life that you’re unsettled with.This personality type does not define a person.

End of this Conversation

Until I can understand how to communicate with people again, I will no longer be writing in this blog. I am currently unable to convey any message, much less its meaning. So I will be taking a study break, a long and in-depth break from people in order to study further. There are no longer teachers for subjects I am researching, I’m learning.

Over-booked and Unreservable

I wrote a seven page blog, but decided not to post it. I realized no one would read it so why publish it, right? Most likely I will receive a bunch of comments about how people would have read it, but you only read this because it was a few lines long. Thanks, I feel the love.

A Case of the All-Nighters

Does anyone else suffer from these? Mine are normally brought on by immense exhaustion where I fall over halfway hanging from the bed, only to find myself awake. So I toss, turn, squirm, and fidget. Nothing works because as much as I try to make my mind turn off, it keeps pumping 80 mph in 1st gear. Needless to say there is a lot of smoke and I’ll probably need an overhaul the following day. Because on the off chance I actually drift away from sandman’s brush, I’m left with unsettled dreams. These aren’t nightmares or disturbing dreams, but dreams with no foundation, no motive, no reason for the dream to function. Example:

Like a spaceship that has a beach next to a library that had someone’s glasses in a locker, so you took the glasses and laid down on the beach, when the owner comes and gets upset for stealing her glasses, so in swim trunk you go the 2nd floor of the library and camp behind the stairs watching the doorway to the reception area for about an hour, then go sit by a random woman reading a large stack of books, clothes start appearing on you till you’re warm, then a person with the body of a human and the head of a goat or ram comes by, stares at you, then walks away toward reception, the woman reading has eight of her friends stop and they have gathered around the table, behind them another person in a suit body this time with a pig head, looks at me squinting, glances toward the window, back at me, back at the window, back at me, then slightly nods, I look out the window and it’s near dusk, only seven of the friends remain, I stand up from the table.

I wake up. Still exhausted, still unsettled, till doing 90 in a 30 and wondering when I’m going to slow down. It’s like my brain is moving faster than I can steer it. At times like these, sleeping pills don’t normally do much, even if I am exhausted. The pills just can’t decelerate my head. Case and point, I took two 58 minutes ago. Still truckin.

How to Get a Girlfriend (Unbelievable)

I posted this before, but I’m quite certain only a small handful actually read it, even thought they were tagged to it.
I decided to dive into tips on dating and getting a girlfriend,
this is what I found out of 118 pages of dating tips.

For Guys: This is why it is hard to date in our times
For Girls: I hope you understand why men have such a hard time with dating

How to Get a Girlfriend

It is usually harder for guys to get a girlfriend than it is for girls to get a boyfriend.

Steps

1. Have good personal hygiene. For the most part, just caring about how you look is enough. Wear new clothes that fit.
2. Keep up a good posture, walk steadily and smile. Women do not like slouchers. Bad posture gives an air of lack of confidence. Smiling makes a guy more welcoming. A good walking style, (straight back, a hand in the pocket for no reason and taking well distanced strides) gives the impression of intelligence.
3. Adapt your appearance. Clean up for a high-class city girl. Dress down for the fun-loving motorbike chick. Never adhere to your own sense of style, girls don’t really value individuals.
4. Pick a location frequented by a significant number of girls where you feel fairly comfortable, perhaps a place that is conducive to a skill of yours: music, public speaking, or a private intimate conversation. Go out and have a good time. Guys who stare and walk around constantly looking for women, immediately lower their value. Be sure to ignore girls, avoid eye contact to appear mysterious, and have everyone else around you moving to appear easy to approach.
5. Be funny. If you’re not naturally funny, don’t try too hard around her. Pitch jokes to other people first and see how the jokes do with them. If you get no laughs there, just pray, because it’s going to be hard winning a girl without humor, girls are not attracted to a man’s personality, kindness, or character.
6. “Plant some seeds”. Flirt casually with waitresses. Make a passing comment and smile to a girl walking by. Toast a woman at the bar. Then go back to having a good time with your friends. In short time, you’ll notice women slowly gravitating to you.
7. Qualify them. Don’t be a jerk about it… but in a fun, playful way, make her prove her value to you. Something as simple as “Are you open-minded? Cool, because I only talk to open-minded people.” Judge them but just never tell them you are judging them or they will be offended and be uncomfortable. Though they will be judging you the entire time, ladies are not accountable for their close-minded-ness.
8. Talk. Silence is uncomfortable. On the other hand, women do nothing but talk, and never listening can be seen as annoying.
9. Connect with her. Find out what you have in common, and reward her with a smile and a story of your own if she tells you something unique about herself that you can relate to.
10. WARNING: If she gives you something like “Oh, I like to go shopping”, don’t reward her for that. It’s not unique, but will be a very common answer.
11. Look and touch. Looking into a girl’s eyes shows respect and interest. A firm handshake, a gentle pat on the back, a light touch of the hand and other subtle gestures allow the girl to feel connected with the guy, or feel pressured into being more physical.
12. Feel great. The feeling will radiate and affect the lady too.
13. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, you may think you will win her with like mindedness, it but in the end she will find you out. Find a common interest, something you both like instead.

Tips

• Guys do not need to look like Brad Pitt to find a girlfriend. Just keep hair, teeth and nails clean and neat. Ladies are quick to notice little details especially in the hands and faces, but won’t say anything to acknowledge them.
• Be a good conversationalist. Read up on the latest in politics, entertainment, arts and even sports news. Women love a well-informed man. It makes him look well-educated and, therefore, richer in every aspect. Or just actually be well-educated.
• Do listen to the lady before responding. Women do not like to be cut off. They like to be considered and feel important, but may interrupt you, please remember women are not accountable.
• Do pay on the first drink, first date, first taxi cab ride, etc. It makes a gentleman out of a man.
• Most importantly, offer to walk or drive the lady home (or anywhere she wants to go). This makes the man seem sincerely concerned for her well-being.
• Don’t annoy you girl by texting her every night. She will send you texts you, though and not replying will be seen as negligence. Reply but unless you have something to say then don’t text. It gets annoying when someone keeps texting you saying “what r u doing?”, so if you absolutely can’t go without saying something everyday, at least correct your grammar. At the very minimum, spell words correctly.
• Do be subtle. Yet it is important not to be so simple-minded as to be unreadable.
• Do romantic things for her, like slow dances, holding hands, giving her flowers and candy, and hugs. They will appear stalkerish most of the time.
• Don’t be afraid to display your affection in public.
• Be a gentleman! Open car doors for her and remember the “ladies first” rule
• Don’t be easy. Play hard to get. If a woman tries touching you, tell her “hands off”. If she tries to kiss you, tell her “I’m not that easy.” Eventually you’ll be touching and kissing her … but at the beginning, make her work for a bit and watch the attraction build.
• Playing hard to get never works for guys. So you should tell the girl you do love playing hard to get and keep reminding her.
• All girls have that time of the month. Be as supportive as you can because your girl might be grumpy and/or in pain but she wants your love and you have to be there for her. Nonetheless, do not explicitly mention the time of the month to her-a girl hardly enjoys knowing that the world can tell. If she is agitated, be nice to her, and don’t get ticked off. Remember, she is not actually mad at you, or annoyed at you. She is just going through a hard time at least 12 times a year for multiple days at a time, with extended weeks of headaches and migraines, if you are lucky maybe five or six days a month she will be happy. Keep in mind: the road will be difficult. As in any healthy relationship, you will have your share of conflicts, some tiny, some big. Remember to be true to yourself, and try to abandon any significant selfishness. A relationship is a matter of team work, where you have to do almost all the work.
• Make sure you’re clean and looking good…girls will notice if you put some thought into your appearance, and they are lonely and in need of companionship.
• If she asks, “Does this make me look fat,” and it is not flattering to her, say: “I don’t think it is as flattering to your beautiful body as ___” and suggest an alternative, NEVER EVER tell her what you really think or the truth.
• Treat her like you normally do around your friends or else she will feel like you’re embarrassed of dating her, but do not talk to your friends unless prompted; she will feel neglected and irritated.
• Remember, friends and family can be a strong influence on someone’s decisions, so make sure you are honest, open and interested in them and don’t criticize or make fun of them! It’s the quickest way to lose someone, but be sure to poke fun at there unique personality and attractive qualities, girl often want stability so be sure to act stubborn occasionally.
• If you travel, stay in touch with her so she knows you haven’t forgotten her, this will put a stitch in all her relationships, and cause a gap in all of your own romantic prospects.

Warnings

• Do not stalk the lady, but be persistent, just not too persistent.
• Do not ask out someone if you do not have somewhere to take her, beside your home.
• Grinning like the Cheshire cat is creepy, so be sure to look away, look uninterested, bored, or tired. Unless she likes a slight smile.
• Taking over the entire conversation is over-bearing and rude, unless she has a point to make, in which case interrupting or arguing will be considered rude.
• Do not insist relentlessly on an offer when the lady has turned it down. It may be that she has no use for or does not feel good about the suggestion. Pushing her to accept will only increase the possibility of rejection or acceptance.
• Avoid being a close talker. Nobody likes that.
• Don’t make disgusting body jokes, or fart a lot. Girls hate that.
• Don’t make her feel like a sex object instead of a human being, unless you’re trying to get a loose girl. Less promiscuous girls are turned off by such patronization and bigotry, but loose girls are attracted to it.
• Smell nice but don’t overdo it!
• If it doesn’t work, don’t worry; she isn’t for you, but don’t give up too easily.
• Never cheat. It remains perfectly understandable that you’ll have wandering eyes, but realize where your heart is and stick to that. One time will be enough to convince a girl to dump you, but for women to cheat one time is not necessarily enough to be dumped.
• Never over-do something. Switch things around a lot and you’ll keep the excitement that builds a good relationship, though don’t be too inconsistent, girls enjoy the stableness of habitual events.
• Give her space, but not too much space or she will feel unwanted. She has friends, too, and doesn’t want to be smothered, but be sure not to spend time with your friends though unless she has already told you not to bother her.
• Try not to give her reasons to be jealous. Understand how your actions might look to her, and be very lenient to how her actions may look to you.
• Do not push her to do anything physical with you. She will let you know when she is ready with subtle body language signals that may be hard to interpret.
• Try your hardest to do your part of forgive and forget and let it be. No one likes to be reminded of their mistakes, especially women who have made multiple mistakes.
• Never forget her birthday or other events she will remember. Saying “Happy birthday” does not cut it; girls expect gifts for every holiday. If you do not get her something she will remember and think you’re cheap! Late is better than never. This is not reciprocated to men, unless you have reminded them often day before your birthday, and even then women are not accountable.

A Lark in Time

6:32 AM – Awaken, add contact solution because I slept with my contacts in.

6:37 AM – Visited the Copious Coinpurse to uncover the source of Thoronir’s drastically cheap goods.

[The following takes place between 6:43AM and 7:23AM]

- Eavesdropped on a conversation between Thoronir and Agarmir.

- Followed Agarmir to his home in the Talos Plaza

- Waited for Agarmir to leave his home.

- Once Agarmir had vacated, I broke into Agarmir’s home, and later his basement.

- Finding as evidence: a muddy shovel, ground human bone remains, a book entitled “Macabre Manifest”.

- From record in the “Macabre Manifest”, I ventured to the Trentius Mausoleum.

- I arrived to find Agarmir and, accomplice, Rolgarel in the process of disturbing graves, most likely for merchandise.

- After halting their crimes, I returned to the Copious Coinpurse to inform Thoronir of nature of his dealer’s wares.

- Was introduced to Agronak gro-Malog, also known at the Gray Prince, the Imperial Arena Grand Champion.

- After entering the combatant’s quarters, I registered as a combatant.

- After grueling 15 or so matches, I was able to challenge the Gray Prince.

- After defeating the Gray Prince, I became the new Imperial Arena Grand Champion under the reputed name “Crimson Blade”

- Next, I traveled to Cloud Ruler Temple to meet with illegitimate heir to the emperor’s throne, Martin Septim.

- Martin informed me that he was in need of the blood of a god pertaining to a certain ritual found in the Mysterium Xarxes.

- I sought in the ruins of Sancre Tor for the ancient Armor of Tiber Septim, who ascended long ago and became the god Talos.

- From blood scrapings engrained in the armor, Martin continued his work on deciphering the Mysterium Xarxes.

- Next, I was sent in search of one of the last ‘Great Welkynd Stone’ in the Ayleid ruins of Miscarcand.

- After removing the stone from its pedestal, the former King of Miscarcand arose to hinder my actions. My flight soon followed.

7:23 AM - I stopped for rest to watch Fantastic Four – Rise of the Silver Surfer, which was moderate. The film had a run time of 91 minutes 51 seconds. Prospectively finishing at 8:54:51 AM.

- Following I watched a drama that I am ashamed to watch, but it’s so good in a bad way. With a run time of 41 minutes 37 seconds. Estimating completion time at 9:36:28 AM, assuming there was less than a second between their showings.

- I took a shower, cleaned my room, read 43 pages in Terry Goodkind’s last book of the Sword of Truth series, Confessor, emailed a friend in China, went to the bathroom at least five times because of stomach issues, watch episodes 3 and 4 of ‘Kateikyoushi Hitman Reborn’ each with a runtime of 23 minutes 45 seconds totaling 47 minutes 30 seconds, placing time approximately at 10:23:58 AM, and even had time to write this blog. This is all assuming the previously listed events had no impact on time.

The current time is 9:58 AM.

I have not exaggerated on any of the times listed. I’m not sure what happened, but time is definitely playing cruel tricks on my mind. Or perhaps I’ve learned how to slow time. One or the other, for sure.

If anyone has experienced anything similar to these time anomalies that they can quantify as I have here, please inform me below.

I kind of have the chills.

Decisions Decisions

Decisions need to be made. I’ve come to the conclusion that all women, with complete disregard to fairness, have no damn idea who; where; why; when; how; or what they want. Therefore, it is the decision of men to decide for them. In other words, since women can’t decide whom they like enough to act upon it, men must make this decision for them. Even if women repeatedly object, they haven’t an iota of reasoning in which process this decision.  Tough choices ladies, you are just not fit to make them. If he’s not a stalker, he’s a romantic.

Decision is yours, ladies.

Captain’s Log-04242008-0609

Location: TAMU Library Annex – Room#252-I

I ain’t much of a man for write’n big words, but since I’ve been readin’ those words of them learned fellas. I came to opinion that I’ve read more words from the dictionary, than are in these decker pamphlets.

I adopted me a pair of twin liquors or was it triplets?… and with the help of these snobbering wenches at my disposal, I managed to muster a few ideas from them learned-men’s drabble. It be exhausting to recite, them be the words twice the length of a narwhale’s horn; bigger than your sur ‘n name smunched up and cramped together. I left Polly and the eye patch in the brig, before voyaging to my deserted isolation. Here in the tower, the crow’s nest or higher, all i see is the calm windless walls, and the morning light rising to confront me like an unwelcomed mutiny. Not that I be talkin to meself or anything of the like, for fear ye might me thi’xn me few crackers short of nut, but I be dabbling in a sailor’s lisp. Don’t ye be confusing that wit a sailor’s limp! Some of us just have a droll and rumble to our speak’ns, far apart from the likes of sea-legs and leg-pegs, if you be catch’n my sugge’tn.

Too many parsecs, trim the sails, that’s what me sexton ‘s been yammering about. I consider myself a happy ferrer to have me a ton of sex, or an astrolabe that will sur’n to be leading to the sort.  It’s about time to overcast my shadow and given that sun the yo-hohoho, let him rise all the way to noon, and he’dve been confused whether to quail under my stare or quest farther west leaving me in the dusk. I’ll have to fasten my thoughts to the mast and push this ship a bit farther with me own warm bellows. Let’s hope that all the hot air won’t go to me head, and follix up the day’s labor. Back to the bounded stories and dreary tomes, I got a few more words to befix ‘n me head before the sun’s gets enough gal to peek over this horizon. Back to the quill, no progress yet, put my prayers upon maiden’s wings to zeph a nervy wind abring. ~

Hazardous Haversack

(gauche embarras de richesses)

It has been my research to document the world I live in. I’ve gone through distinguishing good and evil, and finding a muddled gray no matter how hard or discreetly I delved. I’ve questioned right and wrong, and found that it’s not always wrong to do the wrong thing. For the past few months, my studies have been focus on my gender, male, and the differences to the opposite gender, female. I’ve noticed stark difference in the ways we reason, the ways we dream, the ways we are motivated, and the ways we move. This is a theory that I am confident in, because I was once shown how much an index card under on foot can offset a person’s balance. As you may guess from the title, I’m discussing the ‘Purse’ the stereotypic feminine baggage worn and carried from West to East in some form or fashion. I’ve notice and accounted through multiple situations, and many discussions with men and women, whether respectively they considered their own sex (i.e. themselves included) clumsy, and their views on the opposite sex. What I found was a commonality between the two genders. Men agreed that they more often found women being clumsy, and women attested to this by agreeing they considered themselves clumsy, or more often clumsy. On the opposite angle, men supported that they mostly did not consider themselves clumsy or oafish, and women supported this claim considering men much less clumsy than themselves. These were the types of results that led me to dig deeper into the circumstances, and causes for the more nimble and dexterous refinements of men, and the more accidental and clumsy movements of women.

In the perspective of men, when it comes to clumsiness, it is not regarded as a positive trait, but an incautious and careless one. For this reason, even from a young age, men have been raised in such a way that has not treated their ineptitude as a jest. Knocking over a glass at the table will serve as a lesson to be more careful when such a situation presents itself again. Not only that but if other men are around, the man will no doubt be told to pay attention better in future, or something to that effect.

Quite a different result can be had for women though. Clumsiness is often portrayed and renown for its attractiveness or cute quality. Although this may not be the case in all circumstances, it is a stand point to say that women carry a more lax accountability for clumsiness. The result is different from male scolding, women are often told, “it’s no big deal,”; “it’s not your fault,”; “I’ll go grab something to clean it up,”; “in was an accident, it’s nobody’s fault,”; “it’s just a little spill.” These sorts of sayings reinforce the tendency to make accidental and careless slip-ups alright and acceptable happenstance.

Then comes the big infamous ‘why?’ Why do women seem clumsier than men what could be the cause beside upbringing? Then it hit me, the Purse. Most women may not realize but, on average, a normal women’s handbag weighs somewhere between 3.5 lbs and 5.2 lbs. This may seem like a minuscule amount to carry in relation to your own body weight, but in relation to the body’s ability to balance itself, I can assure you that less than 5 lbs is more than enough to completely throw the body out of balance if used correctly. Take for instance this example.

Try this experiment in front of your mirror to see, if you don’t believe me. Put your feet together and stand facing the mirror, without using your hands for balance. You should feel well balanced and firm.

Try to raise one leg keeping it close to your body, still without using your hands for balance. This should feel less balanced than before, but it shouldn’t leave you grasping for the shower curtains just yet.

These are your constant points to refer to when we continue, try to remember how balanced you feel at these moments.

Set you foot down, and bring your feet back together. While looking in the mirror, tilt your head as far you can towards your shoulder of choice. Keep it there for a few moments; it’s amazing how the human head of about 8 lbs can throw off the balance of the entire body by simple rocking to one side.

For the fun part, raise a leg and try the same exercise, you should feel a similar unbalance that leaves you less sturdy than what you had previously done.

The body is susceptible to changes over time, especially balanced changes over time. Imagine the difficulty of wearing a sandal and sneaker on opposing feet, the very slight difference would in fact disturb you body’s ability to maintain equilibrium. The purse is in fact a habit of unbalance. A five pound bag on one shoulder will cause the body to adapt to wearing a purse over a great deal of time, but then even the slightest changes like setting it down can play with the body’s sense of balance. It may be minor and probably unnoticeable to most women, but this is simply a theory, as to why clumsiness has become a staple to feminine gestures and habits. Men have removed this problem by having pockets on both sides of jeans and normally weighted equally. Just some research for thought.

cursed

i’m cursed, or at least i know what it feels like to be cursed. there is no end to this, why can’t i  just make my mind stop.

Autophilophobic

the fear of being in love and alone, alone and being in love.

the fear of being alone because of the fear of love.

Taking Care

So for the past 2 or 3 weeks, my neck has been a little sore,
then a bit stiff, I’ve taken aspirin for the pain and to thin the blood,
hoping it would heal, every morning it would worsen, till now.

Now I can’t look left less than 45 degrees, and I couldn’t sleep last night because of the same neck.

We all need to take care of ourselves, sometimes we can’t take care of ourselves alone.

I’ve slapped icy-hot, sports ointment, heat pads, aspirin, and stretching.

I’m running out of ways I can help myself, alone.

Take Care,
Chase

today is… how you say…

a bad day so far,
not a one fragrance upon the air this morning was sweet or greeting,
the clouds did not open up, but instead sweat a humid linger,
the steaming shower did not remove the filth from my arched back,
my head didn’t feel clean, my scalp rejoiced with white confetti, and itched on,
the breeze was like Bacchus belching  his putrid morning breath to wake,
all the fabrics,  brushes,  and  winds did nothing to  comfort me this morn,
not even sacred drinks could make the world taste better,
foul slobber was dammed between lips running down the mouth like a river,
crows  craned, horns honked, and turbulence echoed over all the melodies.
nothing i tried seemed to brighten my disposition,

this is where you’d expect a moral optimistic ending, right?

It’s been a while

….since I’ve cried. I cried for the first time in over five years. yes five whole years without a tear shed. what i find strange, is i cried for a ship. its name is Merry. i shed a tear for Merry. i find that strange that a ship has touched me more than any person has in the last five years. huh….

Can we be alone?

Me and you stuck between you and me;
this is the moment and breathing space;
where I can be me, and I could witness you;
when an interruption is misdirection, instead of a distraction;
I can meet you there, and I will come and no-one else;
you will coax me where, alone is not an option;
so I never see you, and you never see me;
by bobbles of heads and voices that tinker in the background,
there is more between you and I than words and waves,
but they never make it through the tinnitus;
follow me like you never have,
trust my actions for they will never betray my true nature;
that’s what you fear though, my nature;
I am not the beast that bludgeons doors, shatters windows, and pours another glass;
I’m a maker, a creator, and idea that’s bound to pass;
and as my trails may seem somewhat lonely, one cart drowning in the rain;
my love and plague of Fortune, is how the story reads;
there is room for two, three, and far too many to trust, and the fewer be honest;
can we talk?
Can we be alone?
I have no flesh that spurns me, or shall ever mar another;
has it ever been so true, that we have never been together,
never have we been us,
or you ever asked, “Can we be alone?”

Unfinished Result

A notebook exploded today.

There was paper everywhere,
Lining the ground over desktop and demons alike,
Within my pockets doubled over half pressed by another leaf,
In and on my brain worries and ideas skirmish over dominion,
Flocks of origami cranes are perched in the closet,
On my bed, underneath the pillow, and the mattress below.
Four Years of delay, the sign said STOP,
Went on to say “In progress”….
“Still working”…
“Busy”..
“Just a moment”.
“Ready shortly”
Wait!

I’m not done, yet.

It’s easy to botch the lump of clay before it becomes a vase.
Sometimes words are enough to conclude,

I’m unfinished

A Caterpillar’s metamorphosis into a Butterfly
One that climbs aspires to soars.
And one that falls desires to climb.
Never be so flippant to ignore the despotism,
Isolation from a world of too many colors,
Numbers with no meanings,
And purposes no one knows.

Please don’t forget the pupa,
A chrysalis is stagnant on the surface,
Spectators often dismiss what is not obvious,
But under a calm exterior a ploy is underway
The change is never pleasant,
It is never easy, for if it was,
Climbing would be the limit.

When a worm is transfixed on the bird’s ability to fly
The destiny of the two is dinner for one.
Just as the pupa must strain its limbs,
Exert the limits of a dormant vessel,

And fail.

Only to might and vigor arise as the phoenix,
Break loose the shackles that entrap your mind,
Ascend and take flight.

See now it was worth the effort,
Quiet the voices that try to belittle and disrupt,
And pity those who do not see that the struggle is necessary.

first generation foul up

i am a first generation college student.
i am a first generation college graduate.
i am a first generation graduate student.
i am a first generation master’s degree.
i am a first generation PhD.
i am a first generation nobody.
i am a first generation of future second generations.

And as such,
i am a first step, a milestone of beginnings.
i have no experience to merit my ventures.
i have not been raised in a home of higher learning.
i was raised in a tenement of hard work.
i have not had the luxury of being a gifted student.
i tried thrice, as far back as i can remember,
and i failed thrice, three failures i can’t forget.
i have been told to stop whining.
i have been told to keep my head out of the clouds.
i have been told to put down my pencil.
i have been told to go to sleep.
i have been told to wake up.
i have been told to go to school.
i have been told to get a job.
i have been told to get a girlfriend.
i have been told to go to college.
i have been told, ‘don’t waste our time and money.’
After the things I’ve been told started to sink in, a metamorphosis occurred.

This was my first chrysalization.
i decided i liked the clouds.
i like thinking inside the box.
i like to write, even if not a soul ever reads it.
i like sleep, though seldom enjoy it.
i loathe waking up, for this reason i seldom sleep.
i like learning, and sometimes that is what i find at school.
i like my job, but it is wasteful and costly to my life.
i like the idea of a girlfriend.
i like college, so i decided to stay here and teach.
i like when my dad says,’i'm proud of you.’
i like the hard times.
i like the frantic state my mind gets in right before a deadline.
i like the learned atmosphere.
i like returning to an unlearned atmosphere, even though i find myself slipping.
i like deciding what i like.

And this is all new, all fresh, all one of a kind,
my family won’t understand, and my friends can’t understand.

i ache as others discuss common topics.
i ache as i read the books labeled as common topics.
i ache as common topics are never discussed again.
i ache as the person playing sudoku says they have audio-graphic memory.
i ache as listen to the lecture for the third time.
i ache as by the fourth recitation, i still don’t understand.
i ache as i receive a 72, and the number tucked under the newspaper is 95.
i ache as i read books to develop my listening skills.
i ache as i try to listen, but can’t recall.
i ache as i spend hours trying to remember things like 754A.D.
i ache as i write on the test 574A.D.
i ache as the person beside me mentions last night’s reading was easy.
i ache as i return home to reread ‘Mr. Persecution’ for a 14th time.
i nearly cry as despotism takes all i have.
i ache when i try and fail.
i ache when i try and fail again.
i ache when i try again.
i ache when again the person beside me says,’this is easy.’
i ache when i ask to get the literary joke.
i ache when i’m my own worst enemy.
i ache when i’m my only choice.
i ache when i’m my only solution.
i ache when no one knows i ache.
i ache when i see my limits.
i ache when no one knows i broke my limits.
i ache when ignorance cannot be helped.
i ache when ignorance is my greatest weakness.
i ache when the graduate school application deadline was ten days ago.
i ache when the actual deadline is forty-three days ago.
i ache when i didn’t know i needed to know.
i ache when my friends ignore me.
i ache when nobody listens, even more so when they listen out of pity.
i ache when i’m the fifth wheel.
i ache when i’m the third wheel.
i ache when people don’t see kindness.
i ache when i try hard.

Although i ache today, i will ache tomorrow though tomorrow may worse, i will ache the next. if aching is what it takes to be a first generation, i’ll ache everyday with a smile for the second, and hide it every second from my friends and family, because i have been told to stop whining.

*Note: I found out today that my graduate school applications are past their deadlines and I won’t be attending graduate school till Fall 2009. I’ve never let myself down this much before, and worse I don’t know that there was anyone who could’ve told me that i needed to apply 11 months in advance. i didn’t even know where i wanted to go much less have all my requirements by then. Even by the time I spoke to my adviser in October, the application process began ten days before then.
I’m torn right now. I could use a pick me up. Only seven more days till hex day arrives again, and i need to whip out the rabbits’ feet, and good luck trinkets. Then, i’m rid of it for another 366 days. Praise be to that.

A new name, and an old question

It seems the older I become and the more wisdom I see, the more I find one thing is constant. That is the human ability to fail others. I have seen many efforts to spread success and motivation in such fiscal terms, but never had I found any reason to trust humans. This may lead you to believe that I have trust issues and my relationships are haunted by such apparitions. In fact, the opposite is true. I go into every interaction with a clean slate. I hold no preconceived notions and find that I am rarely taken off guard for doing so. With no prior conceptions of a person’s morality or code of ethics, I give them full undue trust. I take what they say for face value, and if what they say aligns with their behavior, then my trust will continue to be earned. I can see the flaws in my logic, since this way of proceeding only takes my perception into context, but as it is that two people can not perceive two occurrences in the exact same details, I leave this flaw swept under the rug. But, As a resonate my reasons for my statement, I can surmount to say, I have found no reason or proof that would lead me to believe in the good nature of human beings. More specifically, in their inability to act accountable or choose responsible decisions based on the situations they are presented. In conclude simply, I have too many people let me down throughout my life, that I am seeing the patterns arise before me and all I see are flawed humans wallowing that they are flawed. I for one, believe that mistakes are past tense, irreversible, and fully accountable to anyone effected,
BUT striving towards perfection and falling short of the prize, still places one high above all others who have become content with their given lot and chosen to not try for something better. For answers I turned to the much plugged source of guidance, the Bible. Recently I have been immersed in biblical scripture, it says seek and you shall find, well I have sought and this is what I’ve found. From a literary stand point I can see the progressive implications underlying the scriptures, especially in the new testament. Just as well, I see that the reasoning stops there.

The most common argument I hear is “The bible is written by man, and man has sinned making his works flawed. Therefore, the bible must be flawed.”

I dismiss this as poppycock and dribble from people who have yet to delve into the bible.

This is what I have found though, which perplexes me due to its poor translation in all the copies I have found. Basically, if you are ‘IN’ both Father God and Jesus Christ God, you will know much and be wise. The ambiguity arises, does ‘IN’ mean I have achieved salvation as in Romans 10:9-10 or does it mean in my acts. Will I find this Christ given knowledge if I lead a good life such as Christ has led and follow his examples and the commandments given to Moses? Is my salvation a prerequisite to attain wisdom and knowledge? If so, where in the holy book should I search? As of now, I have found no proof to conclude that wisdom is attained through salvation AND the convoluted state of being ‘IN’ the Father and Christ. And this being the case, I believe that men who have led noble lives, men I would stand beside and name them honorable and righteous, men such as these, I do believe gain wisdom through their trials and tribulations. Even if they have not yet read Romans 10:9-10. Also, I feel I have led an honorable life, I’m happy with the decisions I have made whether they have led me to joy or ruin, for I have gained wisdom, and will chance do such consequential things again. Colossians 2: 2-4, 8-10 “both of the Father and of Christ, 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. 4 Now this I say lest anyone should deceive you with persuasive words.”…
The next issue I run into is the interpretation and translation of the bible resulting in sentences such as this. ”8 Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. 9 For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.”

So is it good to follow the basic principles of the world, or is that comma a typo? Either way, the bible accounts man’s ways of being full of deceit and connecting it back to my first dilemma. Believing this to be the truth, in a completely theoretical sense, this implies ‘the philosophies of the world will fool you, thus is the way of man, thus is the basic structure of the world, and thus not appropriate of Christ.’ I consider the Bible and Christianity to be in part a tradition of man, we created the bible, the Ten Commandments were etched in stone by Moses, we created countries that allow us to believe the will of God due to the traditions and efforts of man. Therefore, are out efforts in vain, is the work of propagandating the bible across the globe not a cause of man’s traditions. AND NO, you cannot, say God did it. That God was the exception and his book, was made to outsell JK Rowlings because he had a 1000yr jump on her, and it’s obvious that therein is the proof that God is the big cheese in this equation. I’m sorry but I cannot believe what I hear from avid readers of scripture that adhere and believe, to a drone like degree, that

“The Bible must be true because the Bible says the Bible is true.”
Instead of resurrecting the Flying Spaghetti Monster for this one, I’ll make my own. Keep an eye at how the underlined words align with the previous quoteThus I say/scribe this statement,

“I, Midus, King of the Sea and All the Water-Dwelling Folk therein” must be true because “I, Midus, King of the Sea and All the Water-Dwelling Folk therein” says “I, Midus, King of the Sea and All the Water-Dwelling Folk therein” is true.

That really got butchered in an attempt to be humourous, a little translation

Because “I, Midus, King of the Sea and All the Water-Dwelling Folk therein” say that “I am Midus, King of the Sea and All the Water-Dwelling Folk therein” because “I, Midus, King of the Sea and All the Water-Dwelling Folk therein” say it is true.

That’s a little better, but that’s all from me. Signing out and going under,
Midus, King of the Sea,
And of all ye wee cute water habitating sea monkeys.